i almost forgot about this blog...
i was so naive!! so young, so in love with life, and so carefree! i just wish to return to the way i was before all of this happened, to that one moment where i loved without caution and cared without a doubt. the stress of all of this school work, the responsibility that i carry as the oldest child, as the role model, as a human...
i am so weak
i am so weak
how did i ever think i could do this... i haven't even done anything and yet i am already crumbling under my own pressure.
it has been one long walk, and yet feels like i needed more time.
but i was wrong
the time is always now
the time is always now
the time is always now!!
i should never have waited to do anything, should never have waited for the perfect time to say hello, to tell you i love you, to accomplish my tasks, to become who i want to be. if anything, waiting is where i went wrong with everything.
and yet i never learn
i never learn and im so sorry
i am so weak
i am so weak
how did i ever think i could do this... i haven't even done anything and yet i am already crumbling under my own pressure.
it has been one long walk, and yet feels like i needed more time.
but i was wrong
the time is always now
the time is always now
the time is always now!!
i should never have waited to do anything, should never have waited for the perfect time to say hello, to tell you i love you, to accomplish my tasks, to become who i want to be. if anything, waiting is where i went wrong with everything.
and yet i never learn
i never learn and im so sorry
"You know, it's funny; when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags."
i began dating someone over the course of the last twelve months, back in october
and my god, i loved him. there was no one i'd ever met before that caused such an instant spark and plucked at my heartstrings the way he did. we spent six months together and i loved him every second of the way. always patient with him, forgave him for every mistake he made, loved him unconditionally.
we may have only been young teenagers in high school, but there was no doubt
that i utterly and absolutely loved him
for all that he was, all that he wasnt, and all the he might have been. my love for him washed away all his flaws and i fell face forward.
head planted in the ground, i never got back up, loved with my eyes closed and depended on him.
and maybe thats where i went wrong. maybe it was the fact that i never did anything even though i loved so wholeheartedly. maybe this was all one sided. or maybe i was just too awful to bear. i don't really know myself, and maybe i'll never know, but i lost this boy.
i lost this boy and my heart broke, crashed into the ground, blown to bits that i could never collect.
and so i didn't collect them.
the broken pieces are still there and i have not bothered to clean it up.. from time to time i step on those glass pieces and it hurts, but i just let it happen. it hurts so much, but i avoid cleaning it at all costs. to show weakness would be wrong of me. i smile my way through as i step on those rose colored pieces of glass.
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
and i wait until theres no more glass to step on.
patiently
and always full of mercy
and my god, i loved him. there was no one i'd ever met before that caused such an instant spark and plucked at my heartstrings the way he did. we spent six months together and i loved him every second of the way. always patient with him, forgave him for every mistake he made, loved him unconditionally.
we may have only been young teenagers in high school, but there was no doubt
that i utterly and absolutely loved him
for all that he was, all that he wasnt, and all the he might have been. my love for him washed away all his flaws and i fell face forward.
head planted in the ground, i never got back up, loved with my eyes closed and depended on him.
and maybe thats where i went wrong. maybe it was the fact that i never did anything even though i loved so wholeheartedly. maybe this was all one sided. or maybe i was just too awful to bear. i don't really know myself, and maybe i'll never know, but i lost this boy.
i lost this boy and my heart broke, crashed into the ground, blown to bits that i could never collect.
and so i didn't collect them.
the broken pieces are still there and i have not bothered to clean it up.. from time to time i step on those glass pieces and it hurts, but i just let it happen. it hurts so much, but i avoid cleaning it at all costs. to show weakness would be wrong of me. i smile my way through as i step on those rose colored pieces of glass.
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
its fine
and i wait until theres no more glass to step on.
patiently
and always full of mercy